~ GUARDS! GUARDS! ~
Terry Pratchett

Review by: Pontifax

Back Cover:
They may be called the Palace Guard, the city Guard, or the Patrol. Whatever the name, their purpose in any work of heroic fantasy is identical: it is, round about Chapter Three (or ten minutes into the film) to rush into the room, attack the hero one at a time, and be slaughtered. No-one ever asks them if they wanted to. This book is dedicated to those fine men…

At six feet six inches, Carrot was a tall dwarf. And it had finally become obvious to his parents that the lad-who was actually a foundling they'd adopted-literally didn't fit in at home anymore. Still, they'd raised him ot have all the right values, and he was as serious, honest and literal-minded as any other dwarf. So what better plan could ther be than for Carrot to join the Night Watch of Ankh-Morpork? There was on aspect of the otherwise splendid plan no one had considered, however. In a city where crime not only put wealth into the coffers of the ruling Patrician, but was also properly licensed and regulated, the addition of an honest, hard-working guard to the Night Watch was bound to cause trouble for everyone. Especially the rest of the Night Watch. But even as Ankh-Morpork adjusted to the shock of having an unbribable guard on duty-a guard who didn't flee danger and who might actually do the unforgivable and arrest someone-the city faced a far greater menace. The Supreme Grand Master of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night had chosen exactly this time to call upon the somewhat incompetent assistance of those Brethren to work a long-forbidden spell: the summoning of an honest-to-gosh, fire-breathing dragon to terrorize the city and overthrow the Patrician. Unfortunately, once summoned, a dragon is not easily gotten rid of…

List of Characters:
Captain Vimes - Captain of the Night Watch. Cowardly and dispassionate to begin with, then gains a sense of right, though he is still cowardly. Drinks a lot.

Sergeant Colon - Second-in-Command of the Night Watch; cowardly; "good with a bow"; fat.

Corporal "Nobby" Nobbs - 3rd original member of the Night Watch; disgrace to the human race; quite disgusting; becomes a "socialite".

Lance-Constable Carrot - really big dwarf who joins the Night Watch; makes life hell for the other members; has a book of laws he follows to the letter; do-gooder; not good with metaphors.

Supreme Grand Master - main conspirator in the plot to overthrow the Patrician; manipulative of the "inferior." Disappears during the second half of the book.

The Elucidated Bretheren of the Ebon Night - group of very stupid criminals gathered to summon a dragon; members include: Brother Fingers, Brother Plasterer, Brother Doorkeeper, Brother Watchtower, etc.

Lord Vetinari - Patrician of Ankh-Morpork;

Lupine Wonse - right-hand man and scribe of Lord Vetinari; makes most of his action during the second half of the book.

Death - the wonderful Grim Reaper makes his appearance again in this Terry Pratchett novel.

Lady Sybil Ramkin - VERY large woman who always dresses in really big suits of armor; raises swamp dragons; develops a "thing" for Cpt. Vimes.

The Librarian - orangutan librarian that becomes enraged when a book on summoning dragons is stolen from the library; deputized by Vimes; don't call him a monkey

Errol - pet swamp dragon of Vimes.

The Dragon - the beast that takes over the city and names itself king.

Favorite Character:
Probably Captain Vimes because he starts out as a drunken fool with no sense of justice. He makes sure he and his men run slowly when chasing a criminal so as not to catch them. But after Carrot has worked his do-goody magic on him, he becomes the role-model guard and even gets enough courage to face a dragon and tell the Patrician to shut-up. His character is very believable.

Least Favorite Character:
That would probably be Lady Sybil Ramkin because she just frightens me. She is this REALLY REALLY big woman who is in love with Vimes. But the worst part about her character is that when all the other guards are having this hilarious dialogue or something, she always says something serious to move the plot along, completely spoiling the mood.

Favorite Quote:
"I bet all the time he'd be thinking, 'Bloody hell, I hope I can find something else to eat soon, otherwise it's the bloody cake again.'" -Colon in response to Carrot's insistence that a soldier can go for a hundred miles on a hard, dwarvish cake.

Favorite Part of the Book:
Probably the every scene near the end when Colon, Carrot, and Nobby are on the roof awaiting the dragon. Their constant, completely irrelevant dialogue is so hilarious, I laughed aloud. Especially the part about a million-to-one odds.

Comments:
This was a very fine example of a Discworld novel. Though not his funniest (Hogfather still holds that title), Terry Pratchett weaves a fine tale of believable characters with his typical Monty Python-ish humor. It's always better to read the dialogue out loud. I'm not going to tell you the real identity of the Supreme Grand Master, but I did not expect it. The end is rather sudden when you discover that the big evil dragon is actually a woman. There are some slow parts, but for the most part, I definitely recommend this book.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

ISBN: 0061020648
Edition: M.M.Paperback